Sunday, November 16, 2008

Cosby's Third Mustache


Does anyone remember this? 'Cause this sure isn't the way I remember Bill Cobsy!

Yup, told myself I wouldn't do this!

But it seems I just can't resist drunk blogging. Or in this case, slightly but not so much drunk anymore blogging. My excuse tonight? That I should stay up long enough to drink some water before bed.

This whole dating thing is trickier than I thought it would be. It's trickier than I remember it being. I thought it would be easier at this point. I'm older, more mature. I know what I want, and I don't intend on settling for anything less. That should make it easier, right? I'm not concerned anymore about being the girl that I think the person I'm attracted to wants me to be. I'm me, and if that's not enough, then obviously that person isn't right for me. So this should make it easier, right?

Except it's not easier. It's harder. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. I want to be ready, but that doesn't mean that I am. Maybe it's time for me to admit some things to myself that I don't want to admit to. I wish that knowing something is impossible was enough to make me not want it... This sucks.

I suppose the main reason that I probably shouldn't be dating is that it's not fair to anyone else to date them when I'm so obviously not ready. I don't want to hurt someone else so I think the best thing for me to do is to just keep to myself. It's getting to be that time of year anyway. Time to focus my attention more internally, and more creatively.

Ok, it's four in the morning, and I'm blogging, which I said I wasn't going to do. I think it's time for me to stop & go to bed. Maybe things will look better in the morning. Or maybe things will be the same, which seems more likely to me...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

things you will lose are the most beautiful things

Ever since Black & Blue I've been doing a lot of thinking about the nature of love. And how it relates to me, my life, and my world view.

While I was there, I made a new friend, JS. One that I hope I get to keep, instead of it just being a chance encounter. We spent a few hours sitting on the floor talking, as is likely to happen at this sort of an event. He asked me what one thing I believe. Just one thing, that encompasses my beliefs overall. Talk about a deep question, huh? The funny thing was that I hardly hesitated before answering, once I was clear on what he was asking. I didn't even know what I was going to say until I said it. Once I did though, I knew it was correct.

My answer was "Love. The point of all of it, the reason for this life, is to learn how to love, fully, completely, with out reservation." (At least for me.) This isn't as simple as it sounds. I don't mean romantic love, or loving friends and family, although that is part of it. I mean tapping into that inner reserve of love, respect and compassion for everything and everyone. Even when it's not easy. Especially when it's not easy.

Then a couple of days later a friend told me that two friends of his had broken up, and asked me if I was surprised. Again an answer was out of my mouth before I had time to think about it. My answer was "No. That's what happens when you date. Eventually someone breaks up with the other one, and that's just the way it is." This time I shocked by my answer. I was shocked to hear so much bitterness and cynicism still. I had thought that I was over the bitterness part of getting my heart broken. Although to be fair, I should put this into realistic perspective. My heart wasn't just broken, it was ripped from my chest, put in a blender at full speed, ground into the mud, then thrown at the hole left in my chest with marginal concern that it got back in. Heartbroken really doesn't cover it.





Even still, my response was more than a little surprising to me. It got me thinking about my conversation with JS. I couldn't help but feel a bit hypocritical, saying that learning to love is the validating reason for my existence, then less than a week later saying that I don't think that (romantic) love really exists. I had to face some things that I'd been avoiding thinking about. Like how I'm going to have to learn to trust again, if I'm going to love again. I'm going to have to start letting people in again, and taking risks emotionally. Part of loving is opening yourself up to other people, and exposing yourself to the chance of pain.

I'm realizing more and more that this one is going to be a hard one to get over. It's going to take more time than I thought. It's not a matter of repairing my broken heart. That part I know is happening. The hard part is repairing my broken trust. I'm not going to get into it here, but I've felt like emotional honesty is something that I can not expect from another person. That if this person can lie to me, can look me in the eye and hide things from me, then I can't trust anything, or anyone ever again. I recognize that this is foolish though, and I'm working on it. I know that time will help. I'm almost ready to take risks again. I was actually lonely the other day. In a I-wish-I-had-a-boyfriend way, not an I'm-so-alone way. I can't help but feel like this is a good thing, a part of the healing process. If I'm comfortable, I won't want to take risks, and I'll remain safe in my little bubble, insulated from pain, and joy as well. The lonelyness has passed thankfully, but the reminder is still there.

I'm not going to rush into anything, and I'm still as skittish as a baby deer when it comes to dating, but I think I'm ready to start dating again. I still don't think that love lasts. Just becuase it's ephemeral though, doesn't mean that it's not worth it. I think that it's time to get my Irene star tattoo, so I have that constent reminder that love is always worth the risk.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

huh

You know, all was all excited earlier this week, because I had thought that I'm ready to start dating again. Now, I'm not entirely so sure... I've realized that I'm way more cynical than I'd like to believe I am. Way more than I want to be. I don't think it would be fair to someone else to enter into a relationship feeling this way.

I do know that although I had a really fantastic summer, it's time to change my focus. Although I had some experiences (and people!) I'll never forget, I don't intend on keeping up that pattern of behavior. It's time for a change. I suppose that we'll see what fall has to bring before I make any decisions...

In the meantime, here are a couple of my favorite songs at the moment-

Sunlounger feat Zara - Lost








DJ Lange - Out of the Sky



Sunday, July 13, 2008

Facebook profile update!

Ok, this post is way more for me than you. I'm updating my facebook profile, and thought I may want to look at what I previously had some day down the line.

Political Views: Other

Religion: More of a loosely structured collection of ideas about spirituality than religion.

Music: A bit of everything, from indie rock to trance to folk to industrial.
Right now my favorite artists are: Above & Beyond, Apoptygyma Berzerk, Armin Van Buuren, Assemblage 23, The Cure, Delerium, Ferry Corsten, Gabriel & Dresden, Gary Numan, Imogen Heap, The Leve11ers, Murder By Death, New Model Army, Rasputina, Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos and Zoe Keating

TV: I hardly ever watch TV, but if I do it's likely to be one of these on DVD: Firefly, Greg the Bunny, Scrubs, Twin Peaks, The West Wing

Movies: Battle Royale, Braveheart, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Clerks, Donnie Darko, Hackers, Labyrinth, Night Watch, Pan's Labyrinth, Ringu, Serenity, Shaun of the Dead, Stardust, Tombstone, Trainspotting, 28 Days Later
Anime- Grave of the Fireflies, Hellsing, Jin-Roh, Serial Experiments: Lain, Witch Hunter Robin

Books: American Gods, Battle Royale, Brave New World, The Dark Tower series, Day Watch, Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, Fahrenheit 451, Foucault's Pendulum, Harry Potter, Jennifer Government, The Little Prince, Love Hina, Night Watch, 1984, The Sandman: Dreamhunters,
Authors: Nicole Blackman, Neil Gaiman, The Brothers Grimm, Steven King, H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allan Poe

About Me:
I'm me, and if you already know me, that should be explanation enough! I've been told that I'm quirky, but in a good way, not a sitcom way. I'd rather be quirky than boring anyway, so I don't mind.

I'm a total geek girl, and am proud to admit it. I like anime, playing video games, and learning anything new just for the sake of learning.

I love reading, and will read just about anything that is given to me, or suggested. (Non-fiction, fiction and comics alike.) Although if you really want me to read something, lending it to me is probably your best bet. My list of books to read is usually pretty long. I'll even lend you something in exchange. By the way, have you read American Gods yet? Once I get it back I can lend it to you. I'm sure you'll like it!

I'm a found materials artist. The medium I most often use is paper, but I'm starting to branch out into other materials. If you hand me something old and mostly useless, chances are good that I'll come up with some idea. I also make jewelry. A lot of the jewelry I wear I've made myself.
I love to travel. I would be totally comfortable living out of a suitcase for weeks at a time. Really though, I'm always up for something new, no matter what it is.

I love music. I think that it's just as necessary for my survival as water, or air. Ask me sometime about my feelings on music and the divine. Because really, the only thing I enjoy more that good music is a good philosophical conversation.

I love to be outside. Hiking, camping, running, biking, walking. Pretty much anything outdoors and active, really. If the weather's warm that is. I'm not much of a fan the cold. Even just sitting under a tree with a book will make me happy. The sun is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I feel that there is beauty everywhere. Even the smallest of things can be deeply moving. A flower, the way the sun shines through the leaves of a tree, the angles of a building... Everything has the potential for, beauty, the potential to move you, if you are willing to let it.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Be A DJ!

You know you want to! Get chicks. Or guys. Or both! And listen to & play from WRUV's huge music library. And by huge, I really do mean huge.









Tuesday, April 29, 2008

canceled

When I changed my relationship status on facebook, this is the warning message it gave me.



I thought that it saying 'Don't Cancel Relationship' was kind of funny, in a sad sort of way. Then for some reason it reminded me of a fortune from a cookie that Jason & I had shared. It said 'Stop looking forever happiness is just beside you.' Then all of the sudden it was just sad, and not funny at all...

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day!

The Free Press has some kinda interesting info on the history of Earth Day.

Here's a video I've been meaning to put up. Earth Day seems like a pretty good day to do it. It's worth watching, trust me. Youtube doesn't have an embeddable option or even a link option on this one, so here's the direct link -

orignal site


Sarah McLachlan - World On Fire

The world's on fire, it's more then I can handle.
I'll tap into the water, try and bring my share.
Try to bring more, more than I can handle.
Bring it to the table, bring what I am able.

Hearts are worn in these dark ages.
You're not alone in these stories' pages.
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying,
and I'll try to hold it in.
Yeah, I'll try to hold it in.

I watch the heavens but I find no calling.
Something I can do to change what's coming.
Stay close to me while the sky's falling.
I don't wanna be left alone don't wanna be alone.

I watch the heavens but I find no calling.
Something I can do to change what's coming.
Stay close to me while the sky's falling.
I don't wanna be left alone don't wanna be alone.

Hearts break, hearts mend, love still hurts.
Visions clash, planes crash, still there's talk of saving souls, still cold's closing in on us.

We part the veil on our killer sun.
Stray from the straight line on this short run.
The more we take, the less we become.
The fortune of one man means less for some

I watch the heavens but I find no calling.
Something I can do to change what's coming.
Stay close to me while the sky's falling.
I don't wanna be left alone don't wanna be alone.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I just lost the game

I'm as surprised as you!  I didn't think it was possible.

next time...



This xkcd reminds me of myself a bit. The last panel of it, this is what I want in my next relationship. Of course, it's not the only thing I want. But someone who would want to make blanket forts & have Nerf gun fights would be pretty awesome...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008





Finally, spring is here! It's warm, it's sunny, the snow is melting... I'm very happy about it. It so nice to be able to go outside with out having to bundle up in a bunch of layers.

I'm so ready for spring this year... In some ways, it's been a long winter. The last part of it certainly long. Lots of changes going on. Yup, more change. Just what I wanted, eh? I don't really expect things to be easy. And I sure as hell don't want things to become stagnant. A little patch of calm water would be nice though... I'm really hoping that summer will bring that.




I'm going to be single again, very soon. As soon as I move out, actually. Which will be by the end of the month. I'm feeling very conflicted about it right now. One moment I'm totally heartbroken over it, and another I'm really excited about bing single again. Although, if this relationship has to end, at least it's ending in the spring. It's so much easier to feel hopeful this time of year. And it's a mutual decision, which makes it easier in a lot of ways. I get to keep my best friend, which is the most important thing. And all of our mutual friends. That's one part of break-ups I've never liked, the choosing who gets to 'keep' which friends. It always really sucks, and I'm so glad I don't have to do it this time.







As I mentioned above, I'm moving. With in the next couple of weeks in fact. I could be in this weekend if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I'm not quite ready for this. It was one of those get it now or it's gone situations, and was too good to let get away. I know that I won't find anything better. The relationship ends when I move out though, and I don't think that either of us thought I'd be out quite this quickly. I will be in the new place before the end of the month, at the latest. I'm moving into Jerri's place, which I think will be really great. It's close to work, and close to downtown as well. And being there will keep me connected with other people, and keep me out and active. I think that both will be really important for me, especially for the first few weeks.

I dunno, overall I think it's going to be a good summer. A great one even. I'm looking forward to it...

Monday, April 7, 2008

Hera - Feels So Good

Watching this video makes me happy. I bet it will make you happy too. I especially like the pile of puppies, and the bread shoes.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Sorry folks

No blog post again this week. :( I'm so exhausted that I don't even have the energy to sit here & type. I sat down for a minute after I ate, & next thing I knew I was waking up almost two hours later. Hopefully having a couple of days off will help, and I'll be able to get some sleep. I'll try to get something up tomorrow. Also, I'll do a Bal en Blanc post as soon as I have the pictures.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It's not Caturday...

but here are some lolcats for your amusement anyway.

Humorous Pictures

funny pictures

Humorous Pictures

Funny Pictures

funny pictures

Humorous Pictures

Humorous Pictures

Humorous Pictures

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

HFCS

Hi ya'll. Here's your monthly PSA.

Avoid foods with high-fructose corn syrup in them. This stuff is poison! Interesting coincidence that Americans started becoming larger about the same time that high fructose corn syrup was introduced into mass marketed foods & beverages. And it's put into so many preprocessed items, not just things like soda & candy. I've seen it listed in juices, chips, even ketchup & soy sauce!

"This manufactured fructose is sweeter than sugar in an unhealthy way, and is digested differently in a bad way. Research has shown that "high-fructose corn syrup" goes directly to the liver, releasing enzymes that instruct the body to then store fat! This may elevate triglyceride (fat in blood) levels and elevate cholesterol levels. This fake fructose may slow fat burning and cause weight gain. Other research indicates that it does not stimulate insulin production, which usually creates a sense of being full. Therefore, people may eat more than they should. Indications also are that the important chromium levels are lowered by this sweetener which may then contribute to type 2 diabetes."
(Source)

But don't take my word for it, here are some links -

A highly informative article, with well documented sources

Mayo Clinic HFCS page

Article originally from Natural Health magazine

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Garfield Minus Garfield

Garfield Minus Garfield


It's Garfield, but with all the characters but Jon removed. Very amusing, and a bit disturbing.








Thanks for sending me the link Jeremy! And Bret!

Go Vote!

For those of you who are in Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island or Vermont, your primaries are today. Get thee to your polling place & participate in some democracy. Also, for fellow Vermonters, it's town meeting day for most of you. Vote folks, there's no excuse not to. None at all. Don't be a sheeple!



(This button is avalible on Etsy!)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Picture quiz!

1. Go to photobucket.com (don't sign in)
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box!
3. Use only the first page!
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.



1. What's your first name?
...........


2. What school do/did you go to?
northfield
(Odd enough that it is a school photo, since I just typed in the town name...)


3. What is your relationship status?
What do you think?


4. What is your favorite color?
purple


5. Who is your favorite celebrity?
Neil Gaiman


6. What are you listening to right now?
Armin Van Buuren


7. What is your favorite movie?
28 Days Later


8. What is your favorite Disney character?
fox and the hound


9. Name an alcoholic beverage..
Vodka Tonic


10. Where is your dream vacation?
New Zealand


11. What is your favorite dessert?
chocolate raspberry mousse cake


12. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Be an artist...


13. What do you love most in life?
Photobucket


14. One word to describe yourself
quirky girls