Barack the vote!

Obama LOLs!

McCain & Palin LOLs!

things you will lose are the most beautiful things

Ever since Black & Blue I've been doing a lot of thinking about the nature of love. And how it relates to me, my life, and my world view.

While I was there, I made a new friend, JS. One that I hope I get to keep, instead of it just being a chance encounter. We spent a few hours sitting on the floor talking, as is likely to happen at this sort of an event. He asked me what one thing I believe. Just one thing, that encompasses my beliefs overall. Talk about a deep question, huh? The funny thing was that I hardly hesitated before answering, once I was clear on what he was asking. I didn't even know what I was going to say until I said it. Once I did though, I knew it was correct.

My answer was "Love. The point of all of it, the reason for this life, is to learn how to love, fully, completely, with out reservation." (At least for me.) This isn't as simple as it sounds. I don't mean romantic love, or loving friends and family, although that is part of it. I mean tapping into that inner reserve of love, respect and compassion for everything and everyone. Even when it's not easy. Especially when it's not easy.

Then a couple of days later a friend told me that two friends of his had broken up, and asked me if I was surprised. Again an answer was out of my mouth before I had time to think about it. My answer was "No. That's what happens when you date. Eventually someone breaks up with the other one, and that's just the way it is." This time I shocked by my answer. I was shocked to hear so much bitterness and cynicism still. I had thought that I was over the bitterness part of getting my heart broken. Although to be fair, I should put this into realistic perspective. My heart wasn't just broken, it was ripped from my chest, put in a blender at full speed, ground into the mud, then thrown at the hole left in my chest with marginal concern that it got back in. Heartbroken really doesn't cover it.

Even still, my response was more than a little surprising to me. It got me thinking about my conversation with JS. I couldn't help but feel a bit hypocritical, saying that learning to love is the validating reason for my existence, then less than a week later saying that I don't think that (romantic) love really exists. I had to face some things that I'd been avoiding thinking about. Like how I'm going to have to learn to trust again, if I'm going to love again. I'm going to have to start letting people in again, and taking risks emotionally. Part of loving is opening yourself up to other people, and exposing yourself to the chance of pain.

I'm realizing more and more that this one is going to be a hard one to get over. It's going to take more time than I thought. It's not a matter of repairing my broken heart. That part I know is happening. The hard part is repairing my broken trust. I'm not going to get into it here, but I've felt like emotional honesty is something that I can not expect from another person. That if this person can lie to me, can look me in the eye and hide things from me, then I can't trust anything, or anyone ever again. I recognize that this is foolish though, and I'm working on it. I know that time will help. I'm almost ready to take risks again. I was actually lonely the other day. In a I-wish-I-had-a-boyfriend way, not an I'm-so-alone way. I can't help but feel like this is a good thing, a part of the healing process. If I'm comfortable, I won't want to take risks, and I'll remain safe in my little bubble, insulated from pain, and joy as well. The lonelyness has passed thankfully, but the reminder is still there.

I'm not going to rush into anything, and I'm still as skittish as a baby deer when it comes to dating, but I think I'm ready to start dating again. I still don't think that love lasts. Just becuase it's ephemeral though, doesn't mean that it's not worth it. I think that it's time to get my Irene star tattoo, so I have that constent reminder that love is always worth the risk.

huh

You know, all was all excited earlier this week, because I had thought that I'm ready to start dating again. Now, I'm not entirely so sure... I've realized that I'm way more cynical than I'd like to believe I am. Way more than I want to be. I don't think it would be fair to someone else to enter into a relationship feeling this way.

I do know that although I had a really fantastic summer, it's time to change my focus. Although I had some experiences (and people!) I'll never forget, I don't intend on keeping up that pattern of behavior. It's time for a change. I suppose that we'll see what fall has to bring before I make any decisions...

In the meantime, here are a couple of my favorite songs at the moment-

Sunlounger feat Zara - Lost

DJ Lange - Out of the Sky

Facebook profile update!

Ok, this post is way more for me than you. I'm updating my facebook profile, and thought I may want to look at what I previously had some day down the line.

Political Views: Other

Religion: More of a loosely structured collection of ideas about spirituality than religion.

Music: A bit of everything, from indie rock to trance to folk to industrial.
Right now my favorite artists are: Above & Beyond, Apoptygyma Berzerk, Armin Van Buuren, Assemblage 23, The Cure, Delerium, Ferry Corsten, Gabriel & Dresden, Gary Numan, Imogen Heap, The Leve11ers, Murder By Death, New Model Army, Rasputina, Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos and Zoe Keating

TV: I hardly ever watch TV, but if I do it's likely to be one of these on DVD: Firefly, Greg the Bunny, Scrubs, Twin Peaks, The West Wing

Movies: Battle Royale, Braveheart, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Clerks, Donnie Darko, Hackers, Labyrinth, Night Watch, Pan's Labyrinth, Ringu, Serenity, Shaun of the Dead, Stardust, Tombstone, Trainspotting, 28 Days Later
Anime- Grave of the Fireflies, Hellsing, Jin-Roh, Serial Experiments: Lain, Witch Hunter Robin

Books: American Gods, Battle Royale, Brave New World, The Dark Tower series, Day Watch, Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, Fahrenheit 451, Foucault's Pendulum, Harry Potter, Jennifer Government, The Little Prince, Love Hina, Night Watch, 1984, The Sandman: Dreamhunters,
Authors: Nicole Blackman, Neil Gaiman, The Brothers Grimm, Steven King, H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allan Poe

About Me:
I'm me, and if you already know me, that should be explanation enough! I've been told that I'm quirky, but in a good way, not a sitcom way. I'd rather be quirky than boring anyway, so I don't mind.

I'm a total geek girl, and am proud to admit it. I like anime, playing video games, and learning anything new just for the sake of learning.

I love reading, and will read just about anything that is given to me, or suggested. (Non-fiction, fiction and comics alike.) Although if you really want me to read something, lending it to me is probably your best bet. My list of books to read is usually pretty long. I'll even lend you something in exchange. By the way, have you read American Gods yet? Once I get it back I can lend it to you. I'm sure you'll like it!

I'm a found materials artist. The medium I most often use is paper, but I'm starting to branch out into other materials. If you hand me something old and mostly useless, chances are good that I'll come up with some idea. I also make jewelry. A lot of the jewelry I wear I've made myself.
I love to travel. I would be totally comfortable living out of a suitcase for weeks at a time. Really though, I'm always up for something new, no matter what it is.

I love music. I think that it's just as necessary for my survival as water, or air. Ask me sometime about my feelings on music and the divine. Because really, the only thing I enjoy more that good music is a good philosophical conversation.

I love to be outside. Hiking, camping, running, biking, walking. Pretty much anything outdoors and active, really. If the weather's warm that is. I'm not much of a fan the cold. Even just sitting under a tree with a book will make me happy. The sun is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I feel that there is beauty everywhere. Even the smallest of things can be deeply moving. A flower, the way the sun shines through the leaves of a tree, the angles of a building... Everything has the potential for, beauty, the potential to move you, if you are willing to let it.

Be A DJ!

You know you want to! Get chicks. Or guys. Or both! And listen to & play from WRUV's huge music library. And by huge, I really do mean huge.