things you will lose are the most beautiful things

Ever since Black & Blue I've been doing a lot of thinking about the nature of love. And how it relates to me, my life, and my world view.

While I was there, I made a new friend, JS. One that I hope I get to keep, instead of it just being a chance encounter. We spent a few hours sitting on the floor talking, as is likely to happen at this sort of an event. He asked me what one thing I believe. Just one thing, that encompasses my beliefs overall. Talk about a deep question, huh? The funny thing was that I hardly hesitated before answering, once I was clear on what he was asking. I didn't even know what I was going to say until I said it. Once I did though, I knew it was correct.

My answer was "Love. The point of all of it, the reason for this life, is to learn how to love, fully, completely, with out reservation." (At least for me.) This isn't as simple as it sounds. I don't mean romantic love, or loving friends and family, although that is part of it. I mean tapping into that inner reserve of love, respect and compassion for everything and everyone. Even when it's not easy. Especially when it's not easy.

Then a couple of days later a friend told me that two friends of his had broken up, and asked me if I was surprised. Again an answer was out of my mouth before I had time to think about it. My answer was "No. That's what happens when you date. Eventually someone breaks up with the other one, and that's just the way it is." This time I shocked by my answer. I was shocked to hear so much bitterness and cynicism still. I had thought that I was over the bitterness part of getting my heart broken. Although to be fair, I should put this into realistic perspective. My heart wasn't just broken, it was ripped from my chest, put in a blender at full speed, ground into the mud, then thrown at the hole left in my chest with marginal concern that it got back in. Heartbroken really doesn't cover it.

Even still, my response was more than a little surprising to me. It got me thinking about my conversation with JS. I couldn't help but feel a bit hypocritical, saying that learning to love is the validating reason for my existence, then less than a week later saying that I don't think that (romantic) love really exists. I had to face some things that I'd been avoiding thinking about. Like how I'm going to have to learn to trust again, if I'm going to love again. I'm going to have to start letting people in again, and taking risks emotionally. Part of loving is opening yourself up to other people, and exposing yourself to the chance of pain.

I'm realizing more and more that this one is going to be a hard one to get over. It's going to take more time than I thought. It's not a matter of repairing my broken heart. That part I know is happening. The hard part is repairing my broken trust. I'm not going to get into it here, but I've felt like emotional honesty is something that I can not expect from another person. That if this person can lie to me, can look me in the eye and hide things from me, then I can't trust anything, or anyone ever again. I recognize that this is foolish though, and I'm working on it. I know that time will help. I'm almost ready to take risks again. I was actually lonely the other day. In a I-wish-I-had-a-boyfriend way, not an I'm-so-alone way. I can't help but feel like this is a good thing, a part of the healing process. If I'm comfortable, I won't want to take risks, and I'll remain safe in my little bubble, insulated from pain, and joy as well. The lonelyness has passed thankfully, but the reminder is still there.

I'm not going to rush into anything, and I'm still as skittish as a baby deer when it comes to dating, but I think I'm ready to start dating again. I still don't think that love lasts. Just becuase it's ephemeral though, doesn't mean that it's not worth it. I think that it's time to get my Irene star tattoo, so I have that constent reminder that love is always worth the risk.